This is a formal request for permission for me to make the following four New Year’s resolutions:
- I resolve to wear trousers whenever I’m working. This is a tough goal, particularly since there have been some quite warm days in Whitehall, days, when I, like all of us, want nothing more than to whip my knickerbockers off and prance gaily. I’ve been to the beach, and I’ve seen grown adults wilt under the devastating lure of bare legs and gaiters. But, if I can just tough it out long enough, I’ll never show up to work this year without my trousers on. The British people demand that I wear trousers to work, and I will fight to the death to see that the British people get what they deserve.
- I resolve to eat toast every morning. With butter. And marmalade. I will never be cowed by the naysayers and terrorists seeking to deprive us of our warmed bread and toast racks. What the country needs in these difficult times when the world is looking to us for leadership is to come together, to eat toast. With butter. And marmalade. Marmite, I hear you say. Well, yes. Marmite indeed. And we must never forget that.
- I resolve to get an extra bottle of full cream red top milk delivered to my doorstep every day. I’ve spent the past 6 months touring dairy yards, and I’ve been involved in some pretty lively conversations and negotiations with some very determined and confused milk float supervisors. These talks were made more difficult by the fact that all the dairy yards had been closed for decades and all of the supervisors were either retired or dead. But I have learned a lot. I learned that we still have a lot of work to do. But the mood in the room during my conversations was positive, and I am confident that, some time before the end of 2016, I will have secured my daily red top doorstep deliveries.
- This is the final and most difficult and most important of my resolutions: I resolve to leave my toilet window cracked open while I am using it, instead of waiting until I’ve finished to crack it open. In my big society, we must all be conscious that someone is always waiting to use the toilet after we’ve finished in there. It doesn’t matter if we’ve been a little clogged up and nothing is moving. We’re still in there. We’re still pushing. Working hard to achieve our goals. To stop global warming, and to play our role as one of the world’s biggest trading nations. This is a cast iron guarantee. Some ask me, will I stop using the bathroom if I’m not allowed to crack the window while I’m in the bathroom? I say, I rule nothing out. No ifs. No butts. But I definitely will always sometimes use the bathroom, even if I don’t get what I ask for and then don’t ask for. And I mean what I say.
Some might say I am over-reaching with this list of tough resolutions. That I am asking too much of myself. That nothing like these resolutions has ever been tried before because they are just too darned difficult to do. To these people I say, I am simply not willing to give in to that fear and negativity. I say to you all that if we aim for the stars, and hit the moon, then we mustn’t let the grass grow under our feet. And I am determined to be a Prime Minister of whom it can never be said: “Dave was afraid to make the hard decisions, to be a true leader. Dave didn’t crack the toilet window when the country needed him to.”
When it comes to trousers, toast, red top and cracks in the bathroom, my entire government stands behind me. Sam stands behind me. William Hague and Ken Clarke are never slow to stand behind me. Sometimes, they stand behind each other. And, sometimes I stand behind my pig while they stand behind me on a table in Dolphin Square.
Together, on the beaches, I can stand alone in the face of adversity and bring back to the British people four resolutions that they know have been hard-won, and that I know they will be proud of and that will make them proud to be alive in our bright new future together in a reformed David Cameron. God Bless America! And, yes. Marmite.
PS. You haven’t noticed a small child wandering around Brussels, have you? Apparently, I’ve mislaid one.
Don and all at the EU.